10 When I'm Sixty Four - Frankie Howerd and Sandy Farina
It is a close run thing whether this version is worse than that of Keith Moon. In the end I think this George Martin produced rendition shades it. Comedy records invariably have jokes in them - not funny ones, but jokes anyway. When I'm Sixty-Four does not contain any jokes, so George's attempt to play it for laughs is doomed to a toe-curling failure.
9 Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The England 1970 World Cup Squad
For those of you unfamiliar with English soccer, Bobby Moore is the all-time icon of the English game, being the captain of the only English side to win the World Cup, in 1966. Bobby was less well known as a singer, and one begins to see why on this ditty. It is rubbish.
This is perfectly awful, in the sense that its awfulness is just about perfect. Hey Bing, we'd like you to do some modern stuff, like Hey Jude. Yeh guys, but I can't sing na, na, na - that would sound ridiculous for a top crooner like me. I'll sing parappa pom pom instead - that oughtta do it. Bing's interpretation fails on so many levels it is impossible to list them.
7 Maxwell's Silver Hammer - Steve Martin
It's odd how many terrible cover versions George Martin is responsible for, and here's another one. George's brother (not really, I'm just joshing) delivers a bad vocal performance, and that's bad meaning bad and not bad meaning good. The clip is from the movie, which distracts you from the song, but close your eyes and listen to the music and see how long you last.
6 Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - Bill Cosby
I do not know the story of how this record came to be made, so I am left pondering why Bill Cosby might be "singing" Sgt Peppers, apparently live, apparently with his "children", presumably in front of an audience. If any of you were there that night, please let me know if you were offered your money back.
5 A Hard Day's Night - Mrs Miller
Now I am aware of the supposed story here - that Mrs Miller was a rich housewife who thought she could sing - but I don't buy it. Surely this was just a bunch of pranksters making a deliberately awful record ? Still, they succeeded. So bad you can't help listening right to the bitter end.
4 Dig A Pony - Laibach
Laibach covered the whole of the Let It Be album, but quite what they covered it in is open to debate. A lot of it sounds like this extract - think of a sea elephant being flattened by a falling tree and you won't be far off. In a way they don't deserve the accolade of worst cover version, because this is presumably what they wanted to achieve. But in another way, they do.
3 Ticket To Ride - Cathy Berberian
Cathy was a top notch opera singer. Stravinsky and Walton composed works for her voice. Ticket To Ride, however, was not composed for her voice. Indeed, her voice and the song are like chalk and cheese, or fish and bicycles. They are two strangers at a party who should never have been introduced to one another.
2 Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds - William Shatner
This has been voted the worst Beatles cover of all time and you can't deny its credentials. Captain Kirk couldn't sing and so speaks the words. But it is the manner of the delivery which makes the song so special. Sounding as though he has consumed vast quantities of the drug which is hinted at in the title, you can't help but feel that the newspaper taxis should come at once and take James T Kirk straight to the nearest rehab clinic.
1 I'm Happy Just To Dance With You - The Cyrkle
So here, in my humble opinion, is the daddy of them all. They're aren't many songs that can leave you feeling physically nauseous, but here is one of them. They keep changing key, you see, in a really rather disturbing fashion. Who were they ? What were they thinking ? Can we sue them for distress ?